Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
