so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
