My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
