Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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