I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
