I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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