i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize