No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
