I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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