Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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