I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
