Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
