u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
