new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
