; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
