Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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