I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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