My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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