Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
