It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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