So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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