im six kinds of drunk right now
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
