3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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