I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
