using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
