she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
