If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
