I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
