it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
