I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
