He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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