I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
