I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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