Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
