Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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