he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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