no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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