Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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