I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
