Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
