You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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