He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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