Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Michael Bay diarrhea
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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