Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Boobs are out for the taking
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
