I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
