I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize