you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
