I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I had your ass I would rule the world
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
