So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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