I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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