maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my being single is dangerous.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
