if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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