I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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