you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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