...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
