i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize