Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hippo gnu deer
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
